Quality You Can Taste

Dissecting The Work of Stallone

2008-01-31T11:16:00.001-08:00

Only one person died in First Blood? I only saw it once when I was about 7, but I could have sworn Rambo took down more people than that. Then again, I had the attention span of an oscillating fan, so it makes sense that I don't remember the details too clearly.

The 12 Days of Christmas

2007-12-21T14:52:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of the holidays, here's a great, schizophrenic rendition of The Twelve Days of Christmas. Great for a laugh and some holiday goodness. Also great if you're a Toto fan.

Dave Letterman Vs. Paris Hilton

2007-10-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

No contest.

One is the king of late night. The other is a talentless, vacuous joke that has herpes. The outcome was decided before the show even started.

My favorite thing about this interview, is she probably doesn't even realize how badly she's being mocked from start to finish. With that said, I'm just jealous she got to meet Dave and sit in that chair. I'd gladly take a very public insult-a-thon if it meant I could hang out with Dave Letterman for 8 minutes.

And I know I'm a few days late on this, but it's worth another view, don't you think?

College Football Is Upon Us

2007-08-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

With college football only days away, I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas. The pageantry, the tradition, the bands, the cheerleaders, the colors, smells, sights and sounds. I get giddy just talking about it. With my beloved USC Trojans poised for yet another national championship run, things couldn't possibly get any better.

So, in honor of this joyous and glorious occasion I dug up a relevant picture that I saved away on my computer a season or two ago. For those not familiar with college football's more well-known commentators, there's a guy named Lee Corso who looks like Mel Brooks and has the brain of a fetus that grew inside the body of an alcoholic crackhead. Suffice it to say, I'm not a big fan. A lot of people like him in the way that people enjoyed William Hung. Basically, it's finding amusement in a person that you're convinced is probably retarded.

Anyway, Lee Corso is on one of (if not the) biggest college football themed shows on TV, College Gameday. The show shoots live from whatever campus plays host to the game of the week. This allows students and fans to show up early in the morning and wave signs and banners in support of their team, which, if they're lucky get airtime on national television. In a game last season (or maybe it was the season before), a fan decided to get creative with his sign and instead of making it team-centric, he made a comment about Lee Corso. Upon seeing the fan and his sign, I nearly pissed my pants laughing:

In case you haven't spotted it yet, look towards the right of the image.

I still don't fully understand what it is about this sign that makes me laugh so much. "Well duh, it's because he made a penis joke," you're probably thinking. That's true. But, there's something more about this particular sign. It might be that it's a really common, mean and nasty thing that a lot of people say to one another, except one word was switched and it became this hilariously childish, almost innocent statement. If the guy had wrote "Lee Corso is a dick" or "Lee Corso is a cock" I don't think it would have had the same impact on me. Using official medical terminology made it equal parts immature and proper, and I get such a kick out of that for some reason. Also, the guy holding the sign just looks so thrilled to be there and holding a sign that you can't help but be happy for him. It's long passed, but kudos, guy. Kudos.

With that said, bring on college football! I'm so excited that I can't keep still. Fight On.

Oh, and Lee Corso is a penis.

In Case You Didn't Already Know

2007-08-24T14:40:00.000-07:00

Calvin and Hobbes will always be my favorite comic strip. But, since Bill Watterson decided to hang up the ink and paper a while back, there's been a vacancy at the top of the hill for comic strip supremacy. With the growth of the internet, there's been a million web comics that have sprung up all over the net. But, there's one in particular that I think clearly stands above the rest in terms of quality, originality and blissful dementedness. For those that are not yet familiar with The Perry Bible Fellowship, I suggest you get yourself acquainted. You won't be disappointed. Unless you have a terrible sense of humor. In which case, no one cares about your opinion anyway, so whatever.

Here's a recent strip that is a great example of what the expect from PBF:

(For a full-size, better quality image, click here or on the image)

Fantastic art. Original sense of humor that often goes into the absurd and deranged. And much funnier than everything else out there.

C'mon. Peanut butter and jelly getting it on on their honeymoon and peanut butter finding out that jelly has slept around? All with Victorian dialogue and PB calling J a scandalous wench. It all adds up to delicious comedy gold.

Beers + Bears = Buhhhh...Umm...Brrr....Uhh...Crazy News Story

2007-08-23T19:26:00.000-07:00

I couldn't think of a clever way to finish that play on words. But, the point is there was a story in the news today involving a guy, some beer, some bears, and not so happy ending. Here it is:

BELGRADE, Serbia (Reuters) -- A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend during the annual beer festival.
The man was found naked, with his clothes lying intact inside the cage. Two adult bears, Masha and Misha, had dragged the body to their feeding corner and reacted angrily when keepers tried to recover it.
"There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage," zoo director Vuk Bojovic told Reuters.
Local media reported that police found several mobile phones inside the cage, as well as bricks, stones and beer cans.

It's morbid, mean and probably wrong on several levels, but am I the only who laughed? I can't help it. Every time I read the story and process the details, I always come to the same conclusion. This guy got so drunk, so incredibly trashed out of his mind that he tried to have a threesome with two bears. Now, I've seen some drunk people in my day. I've seen some people high out of their minds. I've seen people both drunk and high. But I have never ever seen someone so wasted that they tried to sexually force themself onto an enormous, aggressive, carnivorous beast. That was a textbook setup for a fat guy/girl joke here, but I'll pass. Instead, let's revisit the mental image of a drunk guy trying to fuck a bear. Nay, two bears.

But who can blame him? With names like Masha and Misha, the bears were probably hot twins.

Super Bad

2007-07-20T23:17:00.000-07:00

A couple nights ago I went to an advanced screening of the movie Super Bad with my brother and Daniel (aka DMoNeyRojAzZ (aka jackass)). Normally, I would use this opportunity to gloat about seeing a highly anticipated movie a month before it is released and be an asshole, but in this particular case it would be wildly inappropriate. I say that because we arrived hours early to the theater, thinking there would be a massive line and little to no chance at getting a seat. However, we arrived to see the line at only a modest length and later found that we could have arrived hours later and still easily gotten seats. This is one of the few times in my life that overestimating a situation has led to unfavorable results. First of all, it meant at least two hours of pantsless lounging time at the house that I lost forever.
But more importantly, it turned into an extra couple of hours in line around a very irritating group of people while sitting on cement so hot that I think it partially cooked my ass.

But (as usual) I digress. I didn't start this to bitch and moan. I wrote this to applaud a fanastic movie. And I also wrote it to gloat. Sorry. I lied earlier.

So with that, I must insist that you go and see this movie the moment it comes out (August 17). That's right, you. The one behind the keyboard wondering why you're still reading this garbage. You need to see this movie. Why? I'll tell you why. It will easily be the funniest movie you see this summer, and possibly the funniest movie you've seen in a while. How long is a while? I don't know. Stop asking so many stupid questions.

I thought it would be impossible to release a funnier movie this summer than Knocked Up, but Super Bad definitely did just that. It's really not that surprising, seeing as how it's largely the same cast and creative team behind Knocked Up. Only, this movie (shockingly) had more laughs per minute ("LPM") than Knocked Up. For those not familiar with the premise of the film, it's essentially a movie about two best friends that are more like brothers dealing with seperation anxiety resulting from their impending graduation from high school. It will inevitably be put in the genre of "high school comedy" or "teen gross out comedy." And while that may be somewhat accurate, it's definitely not the typical film that finds its way into that territory. Much like 40 Year Old Virgin was atypical of the buddy comedy or coming-of-age genre, Superbad gives a new spin on comedies revolving around high school kids. Essentially, it's American Pie, if American Pie didn't suck. Also, it was especially entertaining for me because I could relate so much to the two main guys, particularly Michael Cera's character

So, see this movie. It'll make you laugh. It'll make you cry. It'll make you piss your pants like I did several times throughout the film. And the people around you won't think anything of it, because a reaction like that is to be expected from Super Bad. In fact, not only did no one mind that I continually peed myself throughout the movie, the guy sitting in front of me actually turned around and gave me a thumbs up after I inadvertantly peed on his head. It's that funny. And underneath all the expletives and dick jokes, there's actually a very stragely sweet story about friendship.

Your Prescription Is Ready

2007-04-02T00:48:00.000-07:00

So, if you read the last installment on my incredibly exciting blog, you may have gathered that I help out some at my family's medical clinic. Like any job, it has its positives and negatives, benefits and annoyances, things to love and things to hate. However, working in the medical field has given me a sense of greater responsibility because of how direct the correlation is between what we do and the life of our patients. Another difference I have noticed in my current employment is how intimate a look we get into our patient's lives.

With that said, let me tell you about an annoyance at the job that is not particular to working in a medical clinic or hospital. Douchebag guys. They're everywhere. And since a theme I'm going with is medicine, I'll make the analogy that douchebag guys are like a case of herpes that goes untreated. Only, you can't take a pill or apply a cream to make douchebags disappear for a few months. So, I suppose they're more like a super-strain of incurable, painfully irritating, incredibly stupid herpes, complete with itching, burning sensations and sores.

I am well aware that simply living life amongst other human beings makes it nearly impossible to avoid jackasses. From a classroom, to the grocery store, to the book store, to your job, there's going to be at least one or two guys that think they're so good-looking and charming that every woman within a ten foot radius of them falls instantly in love. The reality of it is, no one buys the act, and the only thing that happens to people within a mile radius of the douchebag are coughing fits and a struggle to breathe because of an impenetrable cloud of cologne vapor that most of these gentlemen decide to apply every other hour. However, as irritating as this type of guy normally is, they can be a huge source of entertainment if the circumstances are just right.

I was lucky enough to find myself in such a situation not too long ago.

Because this could potentially be seen as a huge breach of patient/clinic trust, I'll change the subject's name for the sake of privacy. So, let's continue under the assumption that his name is Douchebag de la Douche (DdlD for short).

Anyhow, Douchebag de la Douche was a new patient to our clinic. From the moment he walked in and opened his mouth, my patented Douche-dar-5000 (c) was tripped and alarms started to go off. First off, he was wearing designer jeans that probably cost over a hundred dollars, yet looked as if he found them in a dumpster. Who in their right mind would buy pants that are ripped to shreds and have paint spattered all over them and look eternally dirty, let alone pay as much money as DdlD paid? And what douchebag outfit would be complete without a pair of sunglasses worn around the forehead? I suppose the sunglasses were worn that way in order to frame the smug look on his face properly.

But, the clothes would be nothing without action, right? Well, this guy could have been dressed up as a Buddhist monk and his douche-osity would still shine through. As I previously mentioned, douchebags are easily identified by their delusions of charm and ability to deal with and manipulate other people. Douchebag de la Douche was a prime example of this characteristic as he thought that his powers of persuasion would even be effective on me. ME! Ridiculous. So, being amused at his attempts to win me over by insincerely talking me up about USC football after spotting that I was wearing a USC hat, I played along with his bullshit. Knowing that he'd eventually tell me some story about how he could score me some tickets for some games next season, I glanced at my watch to see how long it would take for DdlD to move in for the kill.

Twenty-two seconds. Twenty-two seconds and I was being offered primo seats at the Coliseum to watch a USC football game next season. It took every shred of self-restraint in my being to keep from pissing my pants with laughter. I couldn't help myself, so I told him to write his number down and that I'd call him once the season came around. The number is stored away somewhere in my room for the day I can think of a good enough prank [suggestions welcome].

Having had enough, I left to take care of some work. Later in the day, I was completely unsurprised to find that the moment I left, Mr. Slick turned his smooth moves on the two girls who also work at the clinic. From what I understand, he tried his damnedest to get both to go to dinner with him sometime. No time wasted asking names or going for a phone number. Just straight to the point, and with as wide a net as possible. Incredible. Simply incredible.

Well, let's fast forward a week or so. Douchebag de la Douche had to come back to the clinic to redo a lab test because the last time he took it, he drank a six pack of beer at 6AM before coming in to have his blood drawn. Most people would drop any ill feelings for him after hearing that, figuring that deep down inside he's a miserable person and tries to compensate for his problems with an exaggerated confidence and delusions of redeemable qualities. But, not me. Oh, no. Not by a long shot. Is it because I'm a sick individual? More than likely. But, after having seen and dealt with this type of guy as much as I have, I take time to enjoy every bit of bad luck and misfortune that I witness befall douchebags.

Call me a twisted jerk if you will, but you can't deny that this stuff is funny. And if you still disagree, just give me another minute.

So, let's do another fast forward, but this time a couple of weeks. Douchebag de la Douche has returned yet again, this time to get the results from his blood test and also for a question he needed to ask. The examination/result giving is over, and he returns to the waiting room to await what I thought was just a work excuse. But instead, I am handed a prescription to give to him. I looked down and took a glance at what medication he requested. Did he have a cough? Maybe some trouble sleeping? Perhaps he needed antibiotics to fight off the flu?

Oh. Oh my. This isn't for any of those things. Oh my.

I opened the door to the waiting room and called out, "Mr. de la Douche, your prescription is ready."

And as he stood up and walked towards me to take the script, I tried to make eye contact, but he had a look of shame plastered across his face and wouldn't look up at me. I handed him the prescription, and it took every bit of decency left in me (and there's not much left) not to yell out after him, "Good luck! Don't worry! That medication is great and should clear your genital warts right up!"

I don't care if this makes me seem like an awful person. You have to admit; that shit is funny.

Funny Quote From bash.org

2007-03-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

This one is to all the decent guys out there who inexplicably get passed over for assholes and have no recourse but to shake their head in confusion and disbelief.

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Hah.

Why I Will Not Pursue A Career In Medicine

2007-03-12T13:01:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me, you are more than likely aware of the fact that I'm not sure about what I want to do with my life as far as careers go. I'm one of the many young adult (or old children, depending on how you look at it) that are going through the proverbial search for oneself and the path in life that will ultimately lead to some sort of meaning and fulfilment. Unfortunately, I have yet to see the light and am still in limbo as to where I would like to focus my efforts and energy. However, I do know what I don't want to do. So, although I don't know what I want to do, I'm steadily whittling the list down through a process of elimination.

My mother is a doctor and owns/operates her own medical clinic. I've been very lucky to be able to see firsthand what it takes to become and maintain a career as a medical doctor. Being a foreign medical graduate--she was already a practicing physician in the Philippines before my family decided to move to the United States--my mother took a different route than one that I would take, were I to go through medical school. However, I would still have to go through the same headaches and troubles that she puts up with in her practice. I also question the dedication I would be able to put in for a career in medicine. I couldn't see going through incredible amounts of school and training for something that I did not have a passion for. Every so often, something happens that makes me re-examine the possibility of following in my mother's footsteps and I go through the process of wondering if maybe this is my calling. I do have a deep appreciation for what (most) doctors do. To dedicate ones life to the health and well-being of others is as honorable and admirable as anything a person can choose to do with their time in this life. And even if it means putting your brain into a blender and going through rigorous schooling and subsequent training, and working yourself to exhaustion day in and day out, it all seems worth it when you think of all the lives you can truly touch and change for the better.

And right as I felt like I reached an epiphany, my mother's medical assistant walked into the room.

"Doctor, Mr. Lopez is here for an anus check."

And in a flash of light, the first epiphany was stomped to death by a second epiphany.

Oh yeah. That's why I decided not to become a doctor. Because if I ever heard someone say that to me, my reply would most definitely be, "Fuck that. Mr. Lopez can check his own anus. Here, he can even borrow my equipment. It's almost lunchtime, are you crazy? Tell him to take himself and his anus to another doctor. And while you're at it, put up a sign in the lobby that says that I reserve the right to refuse services that include checking gross shit. Thanks. Hold my calls, I'm off to lunch."

The Most Powerful Force On The Planet: The Cuteness Of Children

2007-03-02T08:41:00.000-08:00

If you've ever walked into a bank, or supermarket, or generally any place where it's clear that you will have money on hand, you have undoubtedly been approached by a wide variety of people selling something or asking for a donation. Some people are very generous and always give at least a little bit. I'm not very proud in saying that I am definitely not one of those people. In my defense, I use my debit card so much that I usually don't have cash on hand. That, and I'm a selfish prick.

Well, today was slightly different. I stopped by the bank to make a quick deposit, and as I approached the front door I noticed that two little girls were selling Sees chocolate bars. I walked into the bank and deposited the money, and as I walked out I reached into my pocket to get a dollar handy to support the little girl's trip to Disneyland or girl scout camp or whatever she was raising money for.

I stepped towards her, and extended the one dollar bill. She looked back, and with the most innocent and sweet voice she said, "Actually, it's two dollars."

I was stunned. This is my internal dialogue that immediately followed:

Two dollars? When I was kid, we sold those things for just one. I'm being scammed, aren't I? I can't terminate the transaction now, it's already in motion and if I make this girl cry she may use that as leverage to take my entire wallet away from me. Seriously though?! Two dollars? It's not even that big of a chocolate bar! It's probably really only worth fifty cents! If only they weren't so adorable. If this was some pimple-faced teenage punk selling me Snickers to fund his trip to Yosemite, I'd have no problem snatching the dollar back and walking away. But, as it is, this little girl is giving me that doe-eyed look and it's rendered my legs temporarily paralyzed. If she says something like, "Pwetty pwease, mistuh. I been twying all day to waise money foh my twip to dah petting zoo. I wanna pet dah bunny wabbits, mistuh. Pwease don't take that away fwum me," I might just cut her a check for every penny I have.

At this point, I noticed in my peripheral that the three year old was moving in, box of chocolates held up by both hands because it was too heavy for just one, extended towards me. I quickly searched my pocket for another one dollar bill to complete the payment for the first chocolate bar. I felt a bill in my hand and pulled it out. It was a 1. Immediately after I confirmed that I had the right bill in hand, I noticed the 20 I also had in my pocket was gently floating down to the sidewalk. Like sharks smelling blood in the water, the little girls' eyes lit up and they started to inch closer for the kill. I quickly snatched the 20 out of mid-air, handed over the $2, took a candy bar, said thank you, turned around and started running away as fast as my feet could take me.

On the car ride home, I laughed once I realized what just happened. I was almost taken down by a professional. And the scary thing is, those girls couldn't have been older than 3 and 6, but they already knew how to use their adorableness to manipulate males into buying overpriced candy.

So to all males out there, young and old...

Beware: Two females. Ages 3 and 6. Spotted near banks. Authorities say they are armed with chocolates and considered extremely adorable. Identifying marks are unicorns and rainbows. Proceed with caution.

Can You Spot What's Wrong In This Picture?

2007-02-26T23:45:00.000-08:00

Answer: Everything.

Quick, someone guess how these two geniuses "earned" their citizenship. It obviously wasn't by learning how to spell "citizenship".

I wish I could write some kind of funny caption that would be fitting for this particular image, but there's really nothing else you can say. All I know is that I hope the woman in pink is appointed the US ambassador to the UN as soon as humanly possible.

Hey, You Wanna Get High With Me? Elmo

2006-10-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

So, this really isn't big news. It's not even anything new. However, I'm still incredibly entertained by the news that Elmo dolls have been used to smuggle crystal meth. Now I understand why mothers fistfight each other at 6AM in Toys R Us for these things.

...Stupid joke?!...Well. Ok. Ok, yeah. Yeah, you're right. That was a terrible joke (expect to hear it in Jay Leno's monologue tonight).

But seriously, this news story has amused me on and off all day today. I'm not exactly sure what about it makes me laugh so much, but it's definitely not that a toy was used to smuggle drugs. It's not that the toy was Elmo. It's not that Elmo is a drug mule and that conjures up weird images of Elmo in a bathroom struggling to either vomit or crap out a latex glove full of meth. Well, ok, that makes me laugh a little bit too. I think what has caused the most immature giggling on my part are two pictures I've seen of DEA agents at a press conference accompanied by Elmo himself.

I don't know what's funnier to me. The fact that these very official looking men are making official statements to the press with a Sesame Street character best known for laughing like a raving lunatic, or the expression on Elmo's face. It's probably a mix of both.

In the first picture, it looks like Elmo is shocked and embarrassed because of how many people were there to hear the charges being brought against him, or shocked because he saw his parents in the audience, or maybe shocked because the guy behind the podium has his hand up Elmo's ass. The second picture looks like they brought Elmo in while he was still high on something (what with the bug eyes and lack of teeth). Either that, or Elmo was locked in the most intense staring contest ever with the cameraman who took the picture. And also, the man in the center of the second picture has a look on his face that is so distinct that I can almost hear what he's thinking as he tries to slink away and hide out of pure shame. "Dammit, Frank. I told you bringing that stupid doll for dramatic effect was a terrible idea. He just keeps laughing and yelling his name. And you wonder why no one takes us seriously?!"

Oh, Elmo. You crazy red-furred meth addict, you.

Overheard Conversation At A Mobil Gas Station

2006-08-02T15:47:00.000-07:00

Female: Fuck you, asshole!

Male: Fuck you, bitch!

Female: Get the fuck out of my way, asshole!

Male: Get the fuck out of my way, bitch! I need to get some gas!

Female: Fuck you!

Male: Fuck you!

[a few more exchanges that were indecipherable except for the constant swearing]

[Male angrily drives car around and next to a pump and then walks towards attendant to pay for gas]

Female: [as she pulls out onto the street] Hey! Go fuck yourself!

Male: [turning around the respond] Get a job, bitch!

Female: [on her way onto the street but still screaming out her window] You get a real job, fucker!

Is it wrong that I wanted this exchange to go on for another hour or so?

Holy Guacamole

2006-05-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

Sadly, this post has nothing to do with the delicious green gold that goes perfectly with a tortilla chip. Instead, it is about the insanity currently going on south of the border. If I weren't the mature and sophisticated individual that I am today, I would turn that last line into a joke about uncontrollable erections or something, but I'm above that now so I will suppress the temptation.

Oh.

Damn.

Oh well, so much for that. Anyway, as I was saying, there is some interesting news from our neighbors to the south. Apparently Mexico's President, Vicente Fox is set to approve a law legalizing drugs (Link). That's right. Drugs. Not just legalization of marijuana. Drugs in general are now A-OK in Mexico.

I'm sure this will stir up plenty of controversy very fast and very soon, but before the shit starts to hit the fan, let's try to get to understand Vicente Fox. A quick sidenote, is it just me or does Vicente Fox sound like a cheesy cartoon character and/or Spanish pornstar? It's just me? Oh, ok. But back on topic, what could possibly lead El Presidente Zorro to do something so drastic especially after vowing to fight the drug cartels in his country? Well, my first thought is President Fox is simply living up to his name (and cliched sayings) and is "crazy like a fox." Or more accurately, perhaps he has gone batshit insane. Upon further contemplation, I realized that perhaps there is a method to the madness. Maybe, just maybe, Fox is simply laying the groundwork for the most out of control Cinco de Mayo celebration the world has ever known. Just imagine that for a moment. Binge drinking tequila will seem as tame as a napping panda once it's perfectly legal for everyone to get high on PCP, do a few lines of cocaine, eat a handful of peyote buttons and inject heroin directly into their eyeballs? Well, if everyone did all of that then the entire population of Mexico would be dead by May 6, but you get the point. Maybe Vicente Fox just wants to throw the wildest party in the history of the universe. If not that, maybe this is just his way of ensuring that Mexico will gain the title of undisputed spring break capital of the world. Adding legalized drugs to the allure of underaged prostitution and donkey shows makes it completely unfair as no amount of Girls Gone Wild events can help Daytona Beach, Lake Havasu and South Padre Island keep up.

Actually, the real reasons for the law are probably included in the article, but once I read "Mexico to legalize drugs" I didn't think there was anything more that needed to seen. Plus, if I bothered to learn about the whole story, then it might destroy the image of Vicente Fox in my head as a total nutjob along with the conversation and scene leading up to these events:

Interviewer: President Fox, the people would like to know what the progress is on our fight against widespread drug use as well as the cartels that provide said drugs.

Vicente Fox: [visibly asleep with head nodding back and forth] --

Interviewer: President Fox?

Vicente Fox: [becoming agitated and shaking his head slightly] Errrm mmfff ennf ehhhm memff

I: [leans over and pokes Vicente] President Fox?

VF: [startled and springing up in his chair] Si! Si!

I: Yes? I'm sorry, sir, but, what?

VF: [disoriented and confused as to where he is and what he is doing there] Yes! Yes! The thing we were talking about. Yes. Very much so, I agree with it.

I: Excuse me, sir? You're saying you agree with drug use and the drug cartels?

VF: [unwilling to admit he was asleep and start over] Errrr. Yes. Uhh, Yes! Yes, this is what I have believed all along. This will solve our country's problems.

I: I...I don't think I'm following you, sir. You believe the country's problems, even the troubles we have in dealing with drugs and drug cartels, can be solved with....drugs?

VF: Uhhh...yes! Of course. It all makes sense, does it not? As they say, fight fire with with fire. Only in our case, we will fight drug use by letting people use drugs! Then it will no longer be a problem! Uhh. Yeah!

I: ........Ok. So you are suggesting that we legalize which drug? Marijua--

VF: [still partially asleep yet beginning to truly believe he is truly on to something] ALL OF THEM! We will legalize ALL of them! Marijuana! Cocaine! Heroin! Peyote! LSD! Opium! Crystal Meth! Mushrooms! Ecstacy!

I: Wow. You have completely lost your mind.

VF: haaaaaaaHA! [falls back to sleep]

-FINITO-

And that, my friends, is why I have not read any of the explanations given by Fox. Why bother reading attempts at justifying this law when I can just pretend that Mexico is run by a narcoleptic cartoon character that somehow makes changes to his country's laws on a whim while being interviewed by some unknown man?

Is there really a good way to end this? Since I can't think of anything, all I will say is....HOLY SHIT!

EDIT: I have since been informed that President Fox did not sign the bill into law. I guess he fully woke up before he dotted the i's, crossed the t's and squiggled in the accent marks.

When Is It Right To Write?

2006-03-30T16:59:00.000-08:00

You like the clever use of homonyms, don't you? Don't deny it. And to the guy in the back that replied, "You're a homonym!" I think you misunderstand what that word means. Regardless, I appreciate the input.

So, here I am again, sitting in front of a keyboard with an undeniable urge to write something mixed with an equally strong sense of hesitance due to feeling as if I have nothing compelling to say. Maybe it's a glimmer of perfectionism hidden deep within mountains of apathy and laziness. Maybe it's just that I feel anything I have to say has already been said by someone else, and probably in a more interesting and coherent way. Maybe I'm just crazy. Either way, I have not been able to actually start and finish any kind of writing in my free time in a while.

But, why not? I get some enjoyment out of meandering on whatever topic and then waiting a few months for someone to accidentally see what I wrote and reply angrily. So why should I suppress my urges to babble on just because every thought won't be meaningful, deep and groundbreaking? I'm sure even Shakespeare, Hemingway, Mark Twain and the other greats wrote crap that they found to be sub par. And who cares if I say something that's already been said? After all, there have been about 7,896,246 songs about shaking butts in this year alone. Seriously though, how can that well not be completely dried up already? I figured Sir Mix-A-Lot covered every base when he released "I Like Big Butts" but I've been proven horribly wrong ever since.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm going to try to write again, compelling material or not. And since there's very little chance anyone reads this, I suppose there was absolutely no sense in even announcing my intentions. And with that, I am done. Hooray!

Apparently I'm Vain

2005-06-07T02:51:00.000-07:00

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.

- Henry David Thoreau

***

I've always felt this way, but now that I found this quote I feel like Henry David has verbally bitch-slapped me. Good thing I have a bad memory, because I'll be missing out on life by writing useless bullshit again in no time.

Maiden Voyage

2005-02-22T03:16:00.000-08:00

Testing...

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3?