Holy Guacamole

Sadly, this post has nothing to do with the delicious green gold that goes perfectly with a tortilla chip. Instead, it is about the insanity currently going on south of the border. If I weren't the mature and sophisticated individual that I am today, I would turn that last line into a joke about uncontrollable erections or something, but I'm above that now so I will suppress the temptation.


Oh.


Damn.


Oh well, so much for that. Anyway, as I was saying, there is some interesting news from our neighbors to the south. Apparently Mexico's President, Vicente Fox is set to approve a law legalizing drugs (Link). That's right. Drugs. Not just legalization of marijuana. Drugs in general are now A-OK in Mexico.


I'm sure this will stir up plenty of controversy very fast and very soon, but before the shit starts to hit the fan, let's try to get to understand Vicente Fox. A quick sidenote, is it just me or does Vicente Fox sound like a cheesy cartoon character and/or Spanish pornstar? It's just me? Oh, ok. But back on topic, what could possibly lead El Presidente Zorro to do something so drastic especially after vowing to fight the drug cartels in his country? Well, my first thought is President Fox is simply living up to his name (and cliched sayings) and is "crazy like a fox." Or more accurately, perhaps he has gone batshit insane. Upon further contemplation, I realized that perhaps there is a method to the madness. Maybe, just maybe, Fox is simply laying the groundwork for the most out of control Cinco de Mayo celebration the world has ever known. Just imagine that for a moment. Binge drinking tequila will seem as tame as a napping panda once it's perfectly legal for everyone to get high on PCP, do a few lines of cocaine, eat a handful of peyote buttons and inject heroin directly into their eyeballs? Well, if everyone did all of that then the entire population of Mexico would be dead by May 6, but you get the point. Maybe Vicente Fox just wants to throw the wildest party in the history of the universe. If not that, maybe this is just his way of ensuring that Mexico will gain the title of undisputed spring break capital of the world. Adding legalized drugs to the allure of underaged prostitution and donkey shows makes it completely unfair as no amount of Girls Gone Wild events can help Daytona Beach, Lake Havasu and South Padre Island keep up.


Actually, the real reasons for the law are probably included in the article, but once I read "Mexico to legalize drugs" I didn't think there was anything more that needed to seen. Plus, if I bothered to learn about the whole story, then it might destroy the image of Vicente Fox in my head as a total nutjob along with the conversation and scene leading up to these events:


Interviewer: President Fox, the people would like to know what the progress is on our fight against widespread drug use as well as the cartels that provide said drugs.

Vicente Fox: [visibly asleep with head nodding back and forth] --

Interviewer: President Fox?

Vicente Fox: [becoming agitated and shaking his head slightly] Errrm mmfff ennf ehhhm memff

I: [leans over and pokes Vicente] President Fox?

VF: [startled and springing up in his chair] Si! Si!

I: Yes? I'm sorry, sir, but, what?

VF: [disoriented and confused as to where he is and what he is doing there] Yes! Yes! The thing we were talking about. Yes. Very much so, I agree with it.

I: Excuse me, sir? You're saying you agree with drug use and the drug cartels?

VF: [unwilling to admit he was asleep and start over] Errrr. Yes. Uhh, Yes! Yes, this is what I have believed all along. This will solve our country's problems.

I: I...I don't think I'm following you, sir. You believe the country's problems, even the troubles we have in dealing with drugs and drug cartels, can be solved with....drugs?

VF: Uhhh...yes! Of course. It all makes sense, does it not? As they say, fight fire with with fire. Only in our case, we will fight drug use by letting people use drugs! Then it will no longer be a problem! Uhh. Yeah!

I: ........Ok. So you are suggesting that we legalize which drug? Marijua--

VF: [still partially asleep yet beginning to truly believe he is truly on to something] ALL OF THEM! We will legalize ALL of them! Marijuana! Cocaine! Heroin! Peyote! LSD! Opium! Crystal Meth! Mushrooms! Ecstacy!

I: Wow. You have completely lost your mind.

VF: haaaaaaaHA! [falls back to sleep]


-FINITO-



And that, my friends, is why I have not read any of the explanations given by Fox. Why bother reading attempts at justifying this law when I can just pretend that Mexico is run by a narcoleptic cartoon character that somehow makes changes to his country's laws on a whim while being interviewed by some unknown man?


Is there really a good way to end this? Since I can't think of anything, all I will say is....HOLY SHIT!



EDIT: I have since been informed that President Fox did not sign the bill into law. I guess he fully woke up before he dotted the i's, crossed the t's and squiggled in the accent marks.