Dissecting The Work of Stallone

Rambo Kill Chart

Only one person died in First Blood? I only saw it once when I was about 7, but I could have sworn Rambo took down more people than that. Then again, I had the attention span of an oscillating fan, so it makes sense that I don't remember the details too clearly.

The 12 Days of Christmas

In the spirit of the holidays, here's a great, schizophrenic rendition of The Twelve Days of Christmas. Great for a laugh and some holiday goodness. Also great if you're a Toto fan.

Dave Letterman Vs. Paris Hilton

No contest.


One is the king of late night. The other is a talentless, vacuous joke that has herpes. The outcome was decided before the show even started.





My favorite thing about this interview, is she probably doesn't even realize how badly she's being mocked from start to finish. With that said, I'm just jealous she got to meet Dave and sit in that chair. I'd gladly take a very public insult-a-thon if it meant I could hang out with Dave Letterman for 8 minutes.


And I know I'm a few days late on this, but it's worth another view, don't you think?

College Football Is Upon Us

With college football only days away, I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas. The pageantry, the tradition, the bands, the cheerleaders, the colors, smells, sights and sounds. I get giddy just talking about it. With my beloved USC Trojans poised for yet another national championship run, things couldn't possibly get any better.

So, in honor of this joyous and glorious occasion I dug up a relevant picture that I saved away on my computer a season or two ago. For those not familiar with college football's more well-known commentators, there's a guy named Lee Corso who looks like Mel Brooks and has the brain of a fetus that grew inside the body of an alcoholic crackhead. Suffice it to say, I'm not a big fan. A lot of people like him in the way that people enjoyed William Hung. Basically, it's finding amusement in a person that you're convinced is probably retarded.

Anyway, Lee Corso is on one of (if not the) biggest college football themed shows on TV, College Gameday. The show shoots live from whatever campus plays host to the game of the week. This allows students and fans to show up early in the morning and wave signs and banners in support of their team, which, if they're lucky get airtime on national television. In a game last season (or maybe it was the season before), a fan decided to get creative with his sign and instead of making it team-centric, he made a comment about Lee Corso. Upon seeing the fan and his sign, I nearly pissed my pants laughing:





In case you haven't spotted it yet, look towards the right of the image.

I still don't fully understand what it is about this sign that makes me laugh so much. "Well duh, it's because he made a penis joke," you're probably thinking. That's true. But, there's something more about this particular sign. It might be that it's a really common, mean and nasty thing that a lot of people say to one another, except one word was switched and it became this hilariously childish, almost innocent statement. If the guy had wrote "Lee Corso is a dick" or "Lee Corso is a cock" I don't think it would have had the same impact on me. Using official medical terminology made it equal parts immature and proper, and I get such a kick out of that for some reason. Also, the guy holding the sign just looks so thrilled to be there and holding a sign that you can't help but be happy for him. It's long passed, but kudos, guy. Kudos.


With that said, bring on college football! I'm so excited that I can't keep still. Fight On.


Oh, and Lee Corso is a penis.

In Case You Didn't Already Know

Calvin and Hobbes will always be my favorite comic strip. But, since Bill Watterson decided to hang up the ink and paper a while back, there's been a vacancy at the top of the hill for comic strip supremacy. With the growth of the internet, there's been a million web comics that have sprung up all over the net. But, there's one in particular that I think clearly stands above the rest in terms of quality, originality and blissful dementedness. For those that are not yet familiar with The Perry Bible Fellowship, I suggest you get yourself acquainted. You won't be disappointed. Unless you have a terrible sense of humor. In which case, no one cares about your opinion anyway, so whatever.

Here's a recent strip that is a great example of what the expect from PBF:

(For a full-size, better quality image, click here or on the image)


Fantastic art. Original sense of humor that often goes into the absurd and deranged. And much funnier than everything else out there.

C'mon. Peanut butter and jelly getting it on on their honeymoon and peanut butter finding out that jelly has slept around? All with Victorian dialogue and PB calling J a scandalous wench. It all adds up to delicious comedy gold.

Beers + Bears = Buhhhh...Umm...Brrr....Uhh...Crazy News Story

I couldn't think of a clever way to finish that play on words. But, the point is there was a story in the news today involving a guy, some beer, some bears, and not so happy ending. Here it is:

BELGRADE, Serbia (Reuters) -- A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend during the annual beer festival.

The man was found naked, with his clothes lying intact inside the cage. Two adult bears, Masha and Misha, had dragged the body to their feeding corner and reacted angrily when keepers tried to recover it.

"There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage," zoo director Vuk Bojovic told Reuters.

Local media reported that police found several mobile phones inside the cage, as well as bricks, stones and beer cans.

It's morbid, mean and probably wrong on several levels, but am I the only who laughed? I can't help it. Every time I read the story and process the details, I always come to the same conclusion. This guy got so drunk, so incredibly trashed out of his mind that he tried to have a threesome with two bears. Now, I've seen some drunk people in my day. I've seen some people high out of their minds. I've seen people both drunk and high. But I have never ever seen someone so wasted that they tried to sexually force themself onto an enormous, aggressive, carnivorous beast. That was a textbook setup for a fat guy/girl joke here, but I'll pass. Instead, let's revisit the mental image of a drunk guy trying to fuck a bear. Nay, two bears.

But who can blame him? With names like Masha and Misha, the bears were probably hot twins.

Super Bad

A couple nights ago I went to an advanced screening of the movie Super Bad with my brother and Daniel (aka DMoNeyRojAzZ (aka jackass)). Normally, I would use this opportunity to gloat about seeing a highly anticipated movie a month before it is released and be an asshole, but in this particular case it would be wildly inappropriate. I say that because we arrived hours early to the theater, thinking there would be a massive line and little to no chance at getting a seat. However, we arrived to see the line at only a modest length and later found that we could have arrived hours later and still easily gotten seats. This is one of the few times in my life that overestimating a situation has led to unfavorable results. First of all, it meant at least two hours of pantsless lounging time at the house that I lost forever.
But more importantly, it turned into an extra couple of hours in line around a very irritating group of people while sitting on cement so hot that I think it partially cooked my ass.

But (as usual) I digress. I didn't start this to bitch and moan. I wrote this to applaud a fanastic movie. And I also wrote it to gloat. Sorry. I lied earlier.

So with that, I must insist that you go and see this movie the moment it comes out (August 17). That's right, you. The one behind the keyboard wondering why you're still reading this garbage. You need to see this movie. Why? I'll tell you why. It will easily be the funniest movie you see this summer, and possibly the funniest movie you've seen in a while. How long is a while? I don't know. Stop asking so many stupid questions.

I thought it would be impossible to release a funnier movie this summer than Knocked Up, but Super Bad definitely did just that. It's really not that surprising, seeing as how it's largely the same cast and creative team behind Knocked Up. Only, this movie (shockingly) had more laughs per minute ("LPM") than Knocked Up. For those not familiar with the premise of the film, it's essentially a movie about two best friends that are more like brothers dealing with seperation anxiety resulting from their impending graduation from high school. It will inevitably be put in the genre of "high school comedy" or "teen gross out comedy." And while that may be somewhat accurate, it's definitely not the typical film that finds its way into that territory. Much like 40 Year Old Virgin was atypical of the buddy comedy or coming-of-age genre, Superbad gives a new spin on comedies revolving around high school kids. Essentially, it's American Pie, if American Pie didn't suck. Also, it was especially entertaining for me because I could relate so much to the two main guys, particularly Michael Cera's character

So, see this movie. It'll make you laugh. It'll make you cry. It'll make you piss your pants like I did several times throughout the film. And the people around you won't think anything of it, because a reaction like that is to be expected from Super Bad. In fact, not only did no one mind that I continually peed myself throughout the movie, the guy sitting in front of me actually turned around and gave me a thumbs up after I inadvertantly peed on his head. It's that funny. And underneath all the expletives and dick jokes, there's actually a very stragely sweet story about friendship.